time travel

I feel like the longer I'm here the more I revert back to being the 18 year old I was when I left. If only I was a skinny as her I wouldn't mind so much.
Joking aside, I feel very vulnerable and full of worry. Over the past year, and even the past couple of months I've been here, I haven't been worried about my boyfriend wanting to see other girls. But now I am, and it feels like it did when I was a teenager; that sick feeling, and constant nagging in my brain that it's only a matter of time. And I know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I start banding about the "it's going to happen, it's going to happen" shenanigans (if I've learnt anything in my time I've learnt that), so I'm trying my hardest not to sound scared and stupid. Sadly as time wears on I become less and less confident in my ability to just button it.

When I was in Brighton, after Uni when I started working, I found myself becoming bold and bright just like I always knew I was. Now I'm back home and I feel lethargic, dull and shy. My voice is lost; I used to laugh and joke as much as anyone (sometimes more than most), and now I sit there and it's all I can do to raise a smile.

Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the topics of conversation; I think it's probably just me though.

Psychologically I've put my life on hold waiting to go somewhere else; maybe it's stopping me from interacting with the world. I'm trapped in this bubble of time and while I'm here I'm still a child. When I go places and see people I'm myself again, but how long will I be able to keep it up before the child in me completely takes over and I lose all the ground I gained?

That's enough self-indulgent introspection for one day I think. Now, hands up who thinks I'm a little crazy...