here has to be home

I have to make the best of where I am, because I know I'm going to be here a while. And it's nice; my room is lovely and cosy, I have some wonderful friends here and I get to spend the last year I'm ever going to be able to not worrying about being a grown up. I spent so long being how other people wanted me to be, and now the only person who I worry about how he sees me is 200 miles away and I only see him once a month.

I can just chill out, mess around and waste my time with whatever takes my fancy. I'm starting to see the plus sides of being here very clearly. And, of course, I get to go back to Brighton and party and chat with friends fairly regularly. Probably more regularly now than I did when I lived there, if I'm honest...

I've been having some odd dreams again; I don't want to go into detail. But they stay with me for days; ghosts of dead memories haunting me when my mind strays into shadowy areas. The upshot of this is that I'm very sensitive to everything, in good and bad ways. For example, a secret on Postsecret today made me well up; it was so unrelated to anything in my life at the moment, but it touched something inside me that hurt and made me feel so proud at the same time. It was the one pictured left.


I've started painting some of Liam's Talisman figurines. I'm actually quite proud of them! Except for the Minstrel; he's just hard to do! But I'll touch it up when I've got some more skill. It's not really that bad, it's just he has these little white lines down his legs and you kind of have to do them freehand... it's difficult. I'll get there, did a good job with the Wizard and the Prophetess! I'll be sad when I have to give them back to him, maybe I'll have to get some of my own to paint. Or would that be crossing the line too far into nerdiness? Hmm.

Anyway, off to play some Fable II and rest before the week commences.

time travel

I feel like the longer I'm here the more I revert back to being the 18 year old I was when I left. If only I was a skinny as her I wouldn't mind so much.
Joking aside, I feel very vulnerable and full of worry. Over the past year, and even the past couple of months I've been here, I haven't been worried about my boyfriend wanting to see other girls. But now I am, and it feels like it did when I was a teenager; that sick feeling, and constant nagging in my brain that it's only a matter of time. And I know it's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I start banding about the "it's going to happen, it's going to happen" shenanigans (if I've learnt anything in my time I've learnt that), so I'm trying my hardest not to sound scared and stupid. Sadly as time wears on I become less and less confident in my ability to just button it.

When I was in Brighton, after Uni when I started working, I found myself becoming bold and bright just like I always knew I was. Now I'm back home and I feel lethargic, dull and shy. My voice is lost; I used to laugh and joke as much as anyone (sometimes more than most), and now I sit there and it's all I can do to raise a smile.

Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the topics of conversation; I think it's probably just me though.

Psychologically I've put my life on hold waiting to go somewhere else; maybe it's stopping me from interacting with the world. I'm trapped in this bubble of time and while I'm here I'm still a child. When I go places and see people I'm myself again, but how long will I be able to keep it up before the child in me completely takes over and I lose all the ground I gained?

That's enough self-indulgent introspection for one day I think. Now, hands up who thinks I'm a little crazy...